Is There Really a Lid for Every Pot?
Geplaatst op 01-08-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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I am confused, frustrated,and tired of playing this dating game.
When did getting into relationships get so complicated, or have they always been this way? It seems like for some people, finding a long-term mate is relatively simple. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Move in with each other, and at some point get married. Relatively simple.
But where does that leave the rest of us? The ones who just have a hard time coming across anyone who is somewhat decent?
I知 writing this from the perspective of a divorcee who is just confused about all the mixed messages about dating that are thrown out there- you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.
What gives? Are there just outliers in this world who are destined to never be in LTRs and maybe we should just get over it and move on with our lives?
|Age: 33
Well, I think the first adjustment you need to make is to stop looking for a “marriageable” man and simply seek one who is capable of and desiring of a relationship and commitment. The number of men and women who do not believe in marriage is growing. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to meet someone with whom they can settle down or have a long term partnership. They’re just not keen on the institution of marriage itself. It’s not due to a bitterness or cynicism towards love or monogamy or commitment. These people just don’t feel marriage is the only way two people can forge a life together. There are plenty of people to whom marriage is the end goal. I just don’t think they’re as common as they were 10+ years ago.
Now, as to why some people have more luck finding a relationship than others. I think, believe it or not, a lot of it has to do with practice and basic skill. Some people are better at algebra than others. Some people are better at playing an instrument than others. Dating really isn’t so different. If you have the desire, and you have the right attitude, and you’re willing to do the work, anything is achievable. Yes, some people have natural ability. But here’s what I’ve found. Those people with natural ability all share one thing: limitless thinking. They never think they can’t do something.
My uncle was a natural athlete. Any sport, he excelled. His brother, My Dad, had to work at it. He still excelled, but it wasn’t as easy for him. It took him longer and he took more hits. But, eventually, he got there. My Dad is a thinker. He’s cautious. He weighs the pros and cons. He never believed that anything came easy, that you had to work at it. If it came too effortlessly, it wasn’t real or wouldn’t last. My uncle just..did. He never questioned why, he never let those doubts creep in to his head. He just acted. Make note that both men eventually got to the same place. It just took one longer.
Some people approach dating the same way. They don’t over-analyze anything. They don’t question their abilities. They don’t dwell on mistakes. They just..date.
you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.
Well, no. This is where you’re processing things based on your inner narrative. A woman can be independent and self-sufficient and still need someone. By “need”, most people mean be emotional available and be willing to be vulnerable. You’re the one tacking on the “financial or emotional.” In order for people to have a successful relationship, both parties have to be willing to “need” each other. They can’t see that as a sign of weakness. If someone refuses to let someone in, or allow someone to help them, or are afraid to be themselves, then they are going to have a hard time finding a healthy relationship. That’s not about a shortage of men or women. That’s about them and their limited way of thinking. If that’s how you see life, then that’s exactly what you’re going to find. This isn’t about the Law of Attraction or any sort of woo woo type of principle. If you’ve convinced yourself the sky is green, the sky is green to you.
This mentality that “all the good ones are taken” or “there are no decent men/women” is just defeatist propaganda. I honestly think it’s just a way for people to deter others from pursuing a relationship. It’s bullshit. There are plenty of great, healthy, loving, available people out there.
You just don’t want them. For whatever reason. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship. Maybe you’re afraid. Maybe because you’re dead set on a certain type and don’t see yourself with anyone else. I don’t know. But I do know that people nowadays are far too quick to dismiss people and blame society or others as to why they’re single. Sorry, but if someone is constantly struggling, constantly disappointed, constantly griping…the problem is them.And it usually starts with their attitude.
Do I believe there is a lid for every pot? No. Everybody doesn’t get a ribbon. Life just doesn’t work that way. But I think you’re more likely to succeed (without and hard and fast guarantees) if you have the right attitude, are open minded and deal with whatever it is that is holding you back.
(Tangent up ahead.)
Yeah, I know. I’m finger pointing. (Guess which finger I’m wagging right now??) Learn to deal. I feel a need to defend my..what’s that word…community of dating advice people, dating experts and coaches. I’m beyond annoyed with this constant barrage of smarm and self-righteous/phony smugness directed at those of us who do what we do, accusing us of trying to make people feel bad about themselves. One, nobody can make you feel anything. Two, if you’re going to insist over and over that you’re so content being single, then how come you never say you prefer to be single? Why are you constantly on the merry go round that is online dating (other than you just need shit to blog about) ? How come you always qualify your statements with things like “Well, I’d like to be in a relationship but…I won’t settle/lower my standards” etc?(Those standards surely do come in handy, don’t they?) That’s not the same as preferring to be single. If you would rather be in a relationship, and can’t seem to make that happen, then something is getting in the way. Is it wrong to suggest that, since you’re the only common denominator, that maybe the problem is within your control?
You want to talk about negativity fatigue? How about all the stories being filtered out through certain networks and Twitter about people being used and abused, pumped and dumped, lied to, cheated on and generally mistreated? Or about the stories about being judged and sized up by strangers because you’re single and how society is just so terribly threatened by you or how dismissed you are for being single? Or about how everyone you know that is in a relationship or is married is fucking miserable in some regard? Or the ones about how people refuse to settle and who blow off people because, I don’t know, they ordered too much food on a date? Worse, why are you so proud of the fact that nothing ever works out and all you attract is unavailable, abusive assholes? If dating is so taxing, and you’re so thrilled about being single, then stop doing it and stop bitching.
When are we, or anyone, allowed to suggest that maybe the string of frustrations or unhealthy experiences that certain people have are about them? What’s the quota that needs to be hit? How many stories do we have to hear before we’re allowed to suggest that someone be accountable? Or should we just tip toe around you so as to avoid hurting your delicate sensibilities while you regularly lash out at us? If you don’t need us, and have such little disregard for us, then ignore us.
There isn’t some conspiracy out there that was designed to make you feel incomplete. Trust me. It ain’t all about YOU, no matter how badly you wish it were.